work in progress

I’m writing this, unsure of where we are and where we will end up to be. We started off with all the uncertainties in the world, lacking honesty, vague as anything could be. We were two people, unsure of our own expectations, aspirations, wants or needs, unsure of where we were emotionally, as guarded as anyone could imagine, skeptical, but very curious.

I’m writing this, because I feel that my feelings for you deserves to be put into words, because despite all the doubts and fear, you’ll always be a part of my life. And I’ll never forget that moment when you walk into that very French restaurant at 7pm on a Thursday evening, wearing that very denim jacket and chequered shirt, our first awkward hug, our first sparkling wine.

We’ve come a long way, since that chilly June night, our heads fogged with too much whiskey, hands intertwined. I hope that one day, I’ll read this, and feel very very glad that I didn’t choose to give up, because holding on never been so hard.

You challenge my patience, faith, my trust in my own judgement and you challenge me over and over again. And every single time I told myself ‘this is it’, I’d find a hidden part of you that lures me to hold on, because maybe deep down, you’re not that tough, nonchalant guy you pretend to be. Maybe you’re as conflicted and as scared as I am, to invest and to be left with nothing – a feeling we’re both all too familiar with. Maybe as I accuse you for not being considerate of my insecurities, I’m insensitive to yours.

You said, ‘I know that you’re not looking for a project,’ and you were right, but wouldn’t it be stupid for me to walk away from one that, even at first glance, I could see great potential in. I’m drawn to you, because you made me feel fluctuations in emotions that I thought I’d never feel again, and with you, I learnt to care, I learnt the qualities of a person that really matter to me.

So maybe you’re not the project. WE are. You need to learn to be consistent, and I need to figure out a way to have a little more faith. Despite the downhills and all the extremely serious talks, I’m grateful for where we are. We’re doing well.

 

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