I was staring at my screen for a good minute, trying to think if I’m feeling much today. But I think this is one of my up days. Or maybe it’s a sign that I’m actually progressing.
I chose to write today, to remind myself of the days that didn’t feel so awful, when I didn’t feel too alone, that I was sure that I’m better somehow.
Someone told me that I’m entering this phase, after sadness/feeling of loss. I find fault. And I have never been more disappointed in you my entire life. I’ve known you for 5.5 years now, and you never lacked integrity as much as you do now. I’m glad that I have learnt enough about you to be able to step out of my ideal world of ‘if it’s written in the stars’, because these things don’t exist.
People, in order to stay in each others’ lives, put in effort. They love through the difficult and the ugly, the stressful and the chaotic. They love, even there might be urge to blame or grunts of dissatisfaction. If you love, you’d continue to do so, and to fight what reality throws at you. You can’t tell someone that you’ve loved as fierce as you could, and turn around and give up, and tell them that you hope that it’s all written in the stars, and that you hope that things will somehow fall into place again, when the time is right.
You’ve loved me good, I will never deny that. But not enough.